Alka Dwivedi

I am OK & You are OK

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Alka

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I am reading this interesting book “I am OK & You are OK” by A. Harris. I find it surprising when he states that EVERY child concludes in the very early phase of his life that HE IS NOT OK! This kept me glued to the book.
That is what Dr Harris says
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Very early in life every child concludes, “I am not OK”. He makes this conclusion about his parents, also: ” You are OK” This is the first thing he figures out in his life-long attempt to make sense of himself and the world in which he lives. This position, “I am NOT OK & You are OK”, is the most deterministic decision of his life. It is permanently recorded and will influence everything he does. Because it is a decision it can be changed by a new decision. But not until it is understood.

Many people insist they had a “Happy childhood” and concluded nothing like “I am not OK & You are OK”.

There is a bright side. In the child is also a vast store of positive data. In the child are recorded the countless, grand a-ha experiences, the firsts in the life of a small person, the first drinking from the garden hose, the first stroking of the soft kitten, the first sure hold on mother’s nipples, the rhythmic OK of mother’s rocking, the sentient softness of the favorite blanket. However, our observations both of small children and of ourselves as grown-ups convince us that the NOT OK feeling far outweigh the good.

I believe strongly that every child concludes it (“I am not OK & You are OK”), “happy childhood” notwithstanding. It is essential to keep in mind what the I�M NOT OK � YOU�RE OK, position means to the three year old. I AM NOT OK means: I am two feet tall, I am helpless, I am defenseless, I am dirty, nothing I do is right, I am clumsy, and I have no words with which to try to make you understand how it feels. YOU ARE OK means: You are six feet tall, you are powerful, you are always right, you have all the answers, you are smart, you have life or death control over me, and you can hit me and hurt me, and it IS still OK.

This conclusion and the continual experiencing of the unhappy feelings which led to it are recorded permanently in the brain and can not be erased. This permanent recording is the residue of having been a child. Any child. Even the child of kind, loving, well meaning parents. It is the situation of childhood and not the intention of the parents which produces the problem.
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What sets me thinking is this line:
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When the children of the �good� parents carry the �NOT OK� burden, one can begin to appreciate the loads carried by children whose parents are guilty of gross neglect, abuse and cruelty.

Comments

5 responses to “I am OK & You are OK”

  1. Himanshu Bhardwaj Avatar
    Himanshu Bhardwaj

    Hi
    well i m an engineer by profession and i have also gone thru this book.
    After completeing this book try for “Staying ok” and then go for “Games people play”

    Himanshu

  2. Akshay Avatar
    Akshay

    Hi Alka,

    I just went through your blog article on I am Ok…, well i just want to know if this book is good enough to be read. I like self help books but when I read the brief narratives and background on wikipedia I thought its just another self help book. Would you recommend me to read it?

    CA Akshay

  3. Alka Avatar
    Alka

    Thank you very much for visiting my blog. You have asked about the book, “I’m OK You are OK.” Its a good book. I have read it and frankly didn’t understood much in first go. But when I read it with a calm and cool mind and tried to assimilated the facts then I understood it a lot. Actually its not a pep talk book. It simply helps you understand if a certain person is behaving in a certain manner then why is it so. And when one really understands a person’s behaviour in totality then it is easy to deal with that person without being affected too much in return. I have heard that this method is even taught in the management schools too. Hope this helps. Thank you for writing.

  4. khushboo Avatar
    khushboo

    even i read this book. it was not possible for me to understand this book in one go. also i do not have enough time to give it a second read. so i jst wanted to know if the summary of this book is available on net.

  5. hemant Avatar
    hemant

    actually this book is for reff.only, there are many type of people in word and it is just a simple analysis of human behavier. much can be said both side either right or wrong, there is a hindi song tumhari bhee jai jai hamaree bhee jai jai na tum hare na ham hare. of bura jo dekhan mai chala bura na miliya koy jo dil khoja aapna mujhasa bura na koy, or kar bhala hoga bhala, ya parhit saris dharm nahi bhai etc etc.
    I believe that if you gone throuth Geeta , Bible or ramayan, there is nothing new in this theory * I am ok you are ok*

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